Feel Good Friday, Squirrel Edition

When I quickly posted the story of the renegade squirrel attacking innocent German civilians last week, I had no idea how popular the story would become. In the last two days, literally hundreds of people have found my blog by searching for the word “squirrel.” While I consider switching to an all-squirrel-news format, please enjoy this handy dandy video on how to make a tasty squirrel melt. Informative and delicious!

Does the sight of that skinned squirrel give anyone else the heeby jeebies?

Mad Megan Calls Truce With Germany

BERLIN – Despite calls by some German officials to ban Bryan Singer’s World War II drama “Valkyrie” from shooting at government locations – due to Tom Cruise’s ties to Scientology – the project is getting plenty of support from the local film industry and looks likely to get the greenlight from authorities to film at historical sites here.
…The courtyard in which Stauffenberg and his fellow conspirators were shot is now a memorial, but the building in which it’s located, the Bendlerblock, also houses part of the German Ministry of Defense.
That, and not Cruise’s affiliation to Scientology, poses the main hurdle to a film permit for Singer and his crew, according to Dirk Kuehnau, head of the Bundesanstalt fuer Immobilienaufgaben (BIMA), the company in charge of government buildings.
“In this country we have constitutionally guaranteed rights,” Kuehnau said. “Articles four and five of the constitution protect freedom of faith and creed and freedom of expression. I don’t think those rights would be denied a film actor.”
… Contrary to earlier press reports, the Defense Minister has not banned the project from shooting at the site. In fact, the Defense Ministry, which only leases the building, does not have the right to grant or reject filming permits – that duty lies with the BIMA.

Alright Germany, you’re back in my good graces. Especially when you specifically mention constitutional freedom of faith. Thank goodness, because defending Scientologists was really beginning to wear me out.

They Had a Little Love, Now They’re Back For More

I’m not sure why news of the Spice Girls reunion leaves me all warm and fuzzy inside, but it does. Apparently the nineties nostalgia market is really lucrative, because the Spices are set to make in the neighborhood of $20 million EACH for eleven concert dates around the world. That’s right, who wanna be their lovers now?

Sweats on a Plane

Poor Paula Abdul is getting a lot of flack about this clip. But in all fairness, if I had two assistants and neither one of them managed to remember to bring my sweatpants to the airport, I would probably throw a hissy too. Who wants to sleep on a red eye flight in skinny jeans? Shoot, if I were Paula Abdul, I’d embrace my crazy, drunken persona, and show up in footy pajamas. Then I would tell all the flight attendants that they have something very special, and they are all stars, and they look beautiful tonight, while ordering my fifth glass of wine and hunkering down for a little Zan-nap.

By the way, “Hey Paula” premieres tomorrow night on Bravo. If it’s anything like Kathy Griffin’s Life on the D List, I am totally making my friend-with-TiVo season pass it.

Germany: Oppressing Religious Minorities since 1933!

Once upon a time, a certain faction of the German people decided to persecute an entire population based on their religious beliefs. It’s nice to see some things never change.

BERLIN (Reuters) – Germany has barred the makers of a movie about a plot to kill Adolf Hitler from filming at German military sites because its star Tom Cruise is a Scientologist, the Defense Ministry said on Monday.
Cruise, also one of the film’s producers, is a member of the Church of Scientology which the German government does not recognize as a church. Berlin says it masquerades as a religion to make money, a charge Scientology leaders reject….
Defense Ministry spokesman Harald Kammerbauer said the film makers “will not be allowed to film at German military sites if Count Stauffenberg is played by Tom Cruise, who has publicly professed to being a member of the Scientology cult”….
Kammerbauer said the ministry had not yet received official filming requests from the producers of “Valkyrie”

So, even though the producers of the film have not even requested permission to film on military sites, the Wehrmacht, er… I mean, military officials… are just throwing it out there that Cruise and his culty brethren are verboten.

I think you all know where I stand on Scientology and religious fanaticism in general, but I also hate hypocrisy and intolerance. So congratulations, Scientologists. You win this round. But don’t let it go to your head, it’s only because you went up against Nazis.

Reese Quits Jake

The relationship that never was is finally over. That’s right friends, Reese and Jake are kaput.

Though sources say the duo, who began dating in March (five months after her split from Ryan Phillippe, 32), had been getting serious in recent weeks – he bonded with her two kids and met her mom – Us Weekly has learned the couple have cooled.
“She has either called it off or is just taking a break,” says a Witherspoon source.
The hitch? If may have been too much, too soon for the actress, 31, still smarting from her divorce.
“She cares for Jake, but the timing is crappy,” says the insider. “She doesn’t have enough emotional space for him right now.”
Sources say the star – who has been hunkering down at home because “she’s worried that when she’s in public, everyone’s talking about her failed marriage” – is staying strong for the kids.
Alas, it seems it will be just the three of them for a while longer.
A source says that Gyllenhaal recently told a buddy: “I’m single.”

They were never photographed together, seen in public together, or talked about each other to the press, so I can’t say that I am at all shocked or torn up about this split. Okay, I might also have a somewhat selfish relief at the prospect of Jakey-poo being single. Call me if you get lonely, Jake!

When Good Squirrels Go Bad

BERLIN (Reuters) – An aggressive squirrel attacked and injured three people in a German town before a 72-year-old pensioner dispatched the rampaging animal with his crutch.

The squirrel first ran into a house in the southern town of Passau, leapt from behind on a 70-year-old woman, and sank its teeth into her hand, a local police spokesman said Thursday. With the squirrel still hanging from her hand, the woman ran onto the street in panic, where she managed to shake it off. The animal then entered a building site and jumped on a construction worker, injuring him on the hand and arm, before he managed to fight it off with a measuring pole.

“After that, the squirrel went into the 72-year-old man’s garden and massively attacked him on the arms, hand and thigh,” the spokesman said. “Then he killed it with his crutch.” The spokesman said experts thought the attack may have been linked to the mating season or because the squirrel was ill.

In a related story, I spent the weekend training my dog to attack squirrels.

Source 

Your Afternoon Video Break

I was going to hold onto this video until Feel Good Friday, but I just can’t keep it to myself any longer.

Those children are the most adorably terrifying things I have ever seen. Anyone else would have screamed and run away the second they burst into a barely recognizable rendition of “It’s a Small World.” Not our Johnny! He just puts on his best British accent, and sits there like a gracious gentleman. “Wow” indeed Johnny, wow indeed.

This is Why I Have GPS

High School Musical stars Zac Efron and Vanessa Anne Hudgens have reportedly ended their real-life romance after a dream vacation turned into a nightmare. The young lovers were spotted hand in hand at the MTV Movie Awards on June 3 but a road trip immediately following the event really tested their love for each other. An insider tells America’s In Touch Weekly magazine, “Zac borrowed a car and the two headed off on their own. It was raining and they soon got lost. Zac was yelling at Vanessa that it was her fault.” The teenage couple reportedly got into an argument and split up on the trip.

Well, my “impromptu road trip with Zac Efron” fantasy is effectively ruined. Is there anything less attractive than someone yelling at you in a car, while you’re lost? I am surprised Vanessa didn’t stab him in the eye with a Slim Jim (essential road-tripping food which I am sure they had on hand). I guess the silver lining here is that my boy Zac is single again. The bad news? He’s kind of a douche.

Source

US Pentagon: Being Gay is Worse Than Death

From the “Offensive but Hilarious” section of the “No Seriously” file, I now present you will the following story:

A Berkeley watchdog organization that tracks military spending said it uncovered a strange U.S. military proposal to create a hormone bomb that could purportedly turn enemy soldiers into homosexuals and make them more interested in sex than fighting. Pentagon officials on Friday confirmed to CBS 5 that military leaders had considered, and then subsequently rejected, building the so-called “Gay Bomb.”
… As part of a military effort to develop non-lethal weapons, the proposal suggested, “One distasteful but completely non-lethal example would be strong aphrodisiacs, especially if the chemical also caused homosexual behavior.” The documents show the Air Force lab asked for $7.5 million to develop such a chemical weapon. The Ohio Air Force lab proposed that a bomb be developed that contained a chemical that would cause enemy soldiers to become gay, and to have their units break down because all their soldiers became irresistibly attractive to one another,” Hammond said after reviewing the documents.

I think what I hate most about this story is that it not only perpetuates, but bases an entire defense strategy on the back (no pun intended) of the stereotype that gay men simply cannot contain their lust for each other. Perhaps it hasn’t occurred to them that there are ALREADY gays in the military (yes, it’s true, shocker!) and they have no problem completing their daily tasks, even while surrounded by muscular privates (pun intended this time) with big guns (and again).

Also hilarious to me, is that the Pentagon has refused this idea, favoring bombs that, you know, kill people. It’s like, murdering thousands of soldiers and innocent civilians? Okay. Making men horny and possibly attracted to one another? Totally amoral! What are you thinking?! Back to redecorating the barracks for you!