Monthly Archives: April 2007

Newest Designer Breed – The Fauxdoodle

Occasionally, I hear a news story so bizarre that it leaves me quite speechless. It’s not that I don’t know what to say, it’s just that I can’t quite wrap my mind around what I just read. Witness one such story:

“Thousands of Japanese have been swindled in a scam in which they were sold Australian and British sheep and told they were poodles. Flocks of sheep were imported to Japan and then sold by a company called Poodles as Pets, marketed as fashionable accessories, available at $1,600 each.
The scam was uncovered when Japanese moviestar Maiko Kawamaki went on a talk-show and wondered why her new pet would not bark or eat dog food.
She was crestfallen when told it was a sheep.
Then hundreds of other women got in touch with police to say they feared their new ‘poodle’ was also a sheep. One couple said they became suspicious when they took their ‘dog’ to have its claws trimmed and were told it had hooves.
Japanese police believe there could be 2,000 people affected by the scam, which operated in Sapporo and capitalised on the fact that sheep are rare in Japan, so many do not know what they look like.”

Okay, sheep might be rare, but I can think of at least two breeds of dogs that are specifically bred in Japan. I’m afraid not knowing what a sheep looks like is really no excuse for thinking a sheep is a dog. Wouldn’t your reaction just be, “I don’t know what the hell this is, but it’s not a dog”? And I love how that couple “became suspicious” when the groomer told them their “poodle” had hooves. I can picture them stratching their chins like, “Hmmm, hooves you say? I’m beginning to think this bleating, hay-eating, cloven-footed animal might not actually be a dog… Oh well, let’s go make phone calls on our ridiculously tiny, futuristic phones, and watch anime, while eating sushi! Domo arigato, groomer man!”
PoodleSheep

Yeah, totally same diff.

This Post is Meaningless Without the Accompanying Video

For reasons unfair and unbeknownst to me, I am not allowed to embed video from certain sites on my blog. It’s some kind of weird WordPress bug, or “standards,” or some such nonsense. But really it’s you, dear readers, that miss out. Because I am unable to embed videos like this one.
And it certainly doesn’t make sense for me to do an entire post railing against the kind of egos at work here, if you can’t even see the video that set me off. Unless you’re able to watch it, how will you ever know the level of respect I have lost for my dear friend Tyra? Not for butchering “Proud Mary” – I’ve done one too many drunk karaokes to be unsympathetic to her plight. Rather, I can’t believe she let That Man grope her, freak her, and yes, attempt to steal her spotlight. Look at him showboating. Watch as he pushes himself in front of Tyra, to hog the stage a little more thoroughly. See him forcibly remove the microphone from her hand at the end, and drop it on the floor, like it’s suddenly beneath him and his too-tight tee. When he shouts “I love ya’ll” at the end, like they are actually cheering for him, the sheer audacity makes me want to choke on my own repulsion. Sorry, too much? Perhaps I should disclose here, for those of you who don’t know, that I may or may not know the participants in this video personally. I am not really at liberty to disclose the details. Confidentiality agreements are tricky that way.
Just watch the video, and tell me I am not alone.

Benny and Tyra

Reese and Jake in a Tiff

Reese Witherspoon has apparently got her panties all in a bunch over the kiss and embrace Jake Gyllenhaal and Jennifer Aniston shared while he was presenting her with her GLAAD Vanguard Award. In case you want to skip Jakey’s speech, the moment comes at about 20 seconds remaining in the below clip.

“She always thought Jake was intelligent and charming. That’s why she’s so stunned by the photographs of Jake and Jen. She’s really hurt by what she’s seen. They seem to be very explicit and everyone knows Jennifer’s looking for love.”

I think Reese might be a little shell-shocked from her divorce, if that really put her in a tizzy. I mean, the peck was friendly, and clearly nothing more. The embrace and little dance were cute, but hi, they are friends (no pun intended). You’re allowed a chaste dance between friends. And if Jake was really going to hit on her, does Reese honestly think he’s do it on a stage at a public awards ceremony? Surely he is more discreet than that.

Sidebar, I wonder if it bugs the actual gay community that neither the recipient nor the presenter of this Vanguard Award are gay (and no, I am not going to allow for the possibility that Jake might be gay, until he shows up to my house in a pink feather boa, and offers to let me paint his toenails while we pick out my outfit for the next day – and yes, Jake, that is an invitation!). You’d think with all the gay people out there, actually out and proud, and making a difference, they could find someone who had a little more on her résumé than appearing on a sitcom that had a tangential lesbian plotline, and having some real life gay friends. Not that I am not all about Team Aniston. I just don’t really see the connection.

Laura Dern Blames Ellen

Apparently, Laura Dern appeared on Ellen’s talk show yesterday, and told Ellen that the on-air kiss they shared 10 years ago jinxed her career.

“Dern, 40, recounted Monday how she couldn’t get an acting job for more than a year afterward. ‘There was certainly backlash, I guess, (that) we all felt from it,’ she told DeGeneres, who said she was sorry and ‘had no idea’ that Dern was snubbed in Hollywood.”

I think we should all stop here to consider the possibility that Laura Dern didn’t get any work because she’s LAURA DERN, and Lifetime Television for Women hadn’t hit its stride yet. Also, according to imdb, that episode marked the upswing of a downward trend in her post-Jurassic Park career. Plus, I think everyone understood that Laura Dern is not a lesbian, but was merely playing one on TV. I don’t think I’m too idealistic when I say that I am sure casting directors can tell the difference.
In short, quit trying to jump on the T.R. Knightly/Doogie Hauser band wagon, Laura. You can’t be pink-balled if you aren’t gay, so quit making up excuses. And also, don’t blame Ellen for this, you didn’t have to take the part if you didn’t want to.

And the award for father of the year goes to…

I think we all know Alec Baldwin has rage. But this message he left for his daughter strikes fear in my heart.

I don’t even know the guy, but I can guarantee that I wouldn’t be answering the phone either, if that is what awaited me on the other end. I have never heard a father talk to his child like that, and I hope I never have to again. Baldwin’s people are trying to spin it now, saying Kim Basinger leaked the message to the press to damage his chances for custody. I hope that is true. Because there is NO WAY this guy should have a regular influence in this girl’s life. (Sidebar: I love that he doesn’t even know how old his daughter is: twelve, eleven, whatever!)

I would also like to take this opportunity to give a shout out to my dad. Love you Dad! Thanks for never leaving horrible, insulting, demeaning messages on my phone!

The MPAA Can Kiss My MPAAss

The FCC has caught a lot of flack in this post-Wardrobe-Malfunction-Nipplegate world. They’re cracking down on tv and radio broadcasts, and throwing fines at people for violating their rules, even though they refuse to define what those rules specifically are. Now they have some company in their quest to overly sanitize and censor the world: the MPAA.

Cinemablend is reporting that, “The MPAA objected to the blood spurting stumps [click here for the British version] on the official website for the new gory horror movie Severance, and have forced Magnolia Pictures to take down the website and replace it with something more tame and MPAA approved. You can see their new, watered-down website here.”

So the MPAA is flexing their considerable muscle in a market where they have no jurisdiction. I can understand why Magnolia would kowtow to this kind of nonsense, but I can’t understand why the MPAA would even care. They are not supposed to be policing the internet. They aren’t really even supposed to be censoring things. According to their own website, their purpose is to “provide parents with advance information so they can decide for themselves which films are appropriate for viewing by their own children. The Board uses the same criteria as any parent making a judgment. Theme, language, violence, nudity, sex and drug use are among content areas considered in the decision-making process.”

So, fine, give the film an R rating for violence, nudity, drugs, etc. It’s absolutely inappropriate for children, and I am glad we have a system in place to let people know what they are getting into (why oh why didn’t I listen to the rating on Pan’s Labyrinth?!). But the website is geared towards people who want to see the movie, and are therefore into blood and gore. Twelve-year-old kids are not going to stumble across this in their search for instruction on how to make a papier mache volcano for the science fair. Even if they did, I don’t see how it’s any business of the MPAA. Just stick to your ratings system, guys, and I promise not to pirate any movies.

By the way, Severance opens everywhere on May 18th! I’ve seen it, and I recommend it, it you’re over 17 and into that kind of thing.

Irreconcilable Differences

The Bad News: My blog and Safari have filed for legal separation.

The Good News: Firefox is settling into its new role, and had agreed to let my blog take certain “liberties.”

So enjoy the pics, links, and videos, and know that we are working hard to make sure they are not affected by the split. If you’re viewing this blog on Safari, tell it we say hi. Also, we want our palimony check.