Sorry Charlie

Looks like Charlie Sheen’s been taking lessons from the Alec Baldwin School of Artless Insults. Page Six reports:

October 4, 2007 — “GO cry to your bald mom, you [bleeping] loser,” Charlie Sheen wrote to Denise Richards in an e-mail the actress included in documents filed last week in L.A. Superior Court in the couple’s custody battle.
“You are a pig. A sad, jobless pig who is sad and talentless and sad and jobless and evil and a bad mom, so go [bleep] yourself sad jobless pig,” reads another.

Richards accuses Sheen of punching the headboard of their bed once in a rage, and telling her that by no longer breast-feeding, she was causing their daughter, Sam, to “become retarded.”
“He took a large wedding photo off the wall. He had it placed in our garage. He sawed the picture in half and took spray paint and sprayed ‘the dumbest day of my life,’ ” Richards claims in the documents.

I love the image Denise’s phraseology suggests. “Had it placed in the garage”? Did he ask an assistant to move the pic for him, as he readied the chainsaw and spray paint? Didn’t want to do the heavy lifting yourself Charlie? Too tired from all the underage internet porn?

A month prior to the lewd e-mails, Sheen tried to apologize. “I have been responsible for some of the worst dialogue and venom-spewing behavior in the past few weeks that I can possibly recall, ever,” he wrote. “The anger and frustration that our situation has generated is beginning to manifest itself in physical forms and cellular regression.”

Of course, poor Charlie isn’t really a bad person! He’s a victim of cellular regression (it’s what happened when Cingular went back to AT&T)!

Hey Denise, I know what you can get Charlie Sheen to celebrate his nomination for Husband of the Year — a shiny new thesaurus! By this time next year he can learn two or three alternatives to “sad” and “job.” Yes, when he calls you a sullen, unemployed swine, your eyes will tear with pride, as you tape your wedding photo back together, and discover that nail polish remover won’t work on spray paint.

If you’re wondering who that is with ol’ Charlie, it’s his fiancee, Brooke Mueller. Mazel tov, you two!

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