Monday’s News Round-up

Following what has essentially felt like a slow news century, today has brought us so many informative items, I hardly know where to begin. As such, allow me to present a round-up:

Jake Gyllenhaal is gay and pregnant. Only one of those things is surprising.
Alberto Gonzales has resigned. This is not at all surprising.
Owen Wilson attempted suicide/ODed on heroin over the weekend. Maybe he finally looked in a mirror. (Okay, sorry, maybe it’s not okay to make fun of the suicidal. But if it was the drug thing, then I stand by my joke. He’s got a penis on his face, for God’s sake!)
Britney Spears might be a child abuser. Did I say might be? Sorry, I meant “definitely is.”

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