Come on I Lean

I don’t normally watch ABC’s Dancing With the Stars, mostly because I don’t have any interest in watching retired athletes, former beauty pageant contestants, and less-famous-than-their-former-spouses divorcees stand still while professional dancers wiggle in their vicinity. However, this season I might have to set up a little appointment viewing. Why, you ask? Do the words Heather Mills McCarty mean anything to you? Yes, she was married to Paul. But she also has one leg. A ONE LEGGED woman in a DANCING CONTEST! Reality TV is at its finest here, ladies and gentlemen. And in case you are not immediately sucked in by the concept alone, here is a little visual enticement, courtesy of TMZ.com.

That’s right, that is her prosthetic leg in her gym bag. Convinced? I thought so.

Alan Arkin is Kinda Mean

I am still recovering from the Annual Oscar Cupcake Eating Party I attended last night, not to mention the magnum of $3.50 champagne that washed that chocolately deliciousness down. So forgive me if I can’t take this statement from Academy Award Winning Best Supporting Actor, Alan Arkin with the appropriate grain of salt:

“On the Oscar® red carpet, when asked how Breslin is responding to the attention as a Oscar® nominee (nominated for Best Performance by an Actress in a Supporting Role), Arkin said, “I hope she loses frankly. No, I’m serious. I am not joking.” Arkin added, “I hope she loses. What, next year she is going to get the Nobel Prize, it’s enough. She has had enough attention. I love her and I love her family; and I feel enough is enough. She is a kid; she needs to have a childhood…. I hope she loses.”

I think I get what he was saying. No one wants Abigail Breslin to squander her precious childhood by selling her adorably chubby cheeks to the highest bidding studio, only to wind up coked-out and shaven-headed in a Malibu rehabilitation center in 10 years. But geez Alan Arkin. Couldn’t you have phrased it in a way that didn’t sound so sour grapes-y? Now that she lost and you won, I think you might owe her a phone call.

Four Tips on Making a Relationship Work, from Mad Megan

One of my favorite pastimes is perusing the MSN headlines, looking for their latest gem of a blurb. Usually they are ridiculous (“Bath products, are they safe?” or “Tests show ‘First Americans’ probably weren’t really first”) but today there was actually something that piqued my interest. So, in honor of today’s feature, “What You Learn from Celeb Love Lives,” I decided to post my own ideas on the matter.

1. Don’t mix drugs, gambling, and underage cheerleaders. Any questions? Ask Charlie Sheen and Denise Richards.

2. Don’t Become More Successful Than Your Spouse. For more on this see Swank v. Lowe, and Witherspoon v. Phillippe.

3. Don’t, under ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, introduce your boyfriend/husband/guy-you-think-is-kinda-cute to Angelina Jolie. Seriously, just don’t do it.

4. Oh, and don’t marry a gay guy. It seemed like a good idea when Liza Minnelli did it, but seriously, that will never work. Katie Holmes, I am looking at you.

Other than that, go forth and procreate! Just don’t say I didn’t warn you.

You’re at the Wrong Party, Harry

Prince Harry of Wales has volunteered for a 6 month tour of Iraq, as second lieutenant Cornet Wales. Forbes.com goes on and on about how he won’t get any “special treatment,” despite the rumor that he might be surrounded by bodyguards while on the battlefield. I would absolutely love to see what a few Royal body guards would do if insurgents tried to blow up Harry’s tank. Can’t you just see them muttering into their earpieces, like, “What the bloody hell do we do now? Er, I dunno, tell ‘em to bugger off, no bloody photos, you wankers!” Because I have a feeling protecting a Prince who is a regiment commander in the military of a country that just invaded a war torn nation is a tad different than fending off paparazzi, and making him apologize for playing Nazi.

Stars, Actually, They Are Exactly Like Us!

In the annals of Hollywood, even a quick Subway run can yield the most delightfully unexpected celebrity sightings. Or, in this case, former boy band/reality show cast off, Joey “Joe” McIntyre. I tried my best to snap photographic evidence for you, my loyal readers, but the best I could get surreptitiously was the side of his neck and his face partially obscured by street glare. Put them together, and you almost get a whole image! Enjoy!

And because my lunchtime was enhanced by a little KNOTB, so too should yours.

Save Britney

“Well Sinead O’Rebellion! Shock me, shock me, shock me with that deviant behavior!”

Of course, Empire Records fans will remember that Deborah shaved her head the day after attempting to commit suicide by cutting her wrists with a lady Bic – a pink plastic razor with daisies and a moisturizing strip. Still, though, her cry for help was no less pleading, and neither is Britney’s. My feelings for her have gone beyond morbid fascination, to legitimate concern. Who will save her from herself? It’s not like she has a friend like Corey to host a fake funeral so everyone can gather round and tell her how much they love her, while Warren simultaneously breaks into the store and tries to shoot AJ. Can’t anyone help her?

Not So Fast, Britney!

Just when you were ready to breathe a sigh of relief over the news that Britney had checked into rehab, and we might therefore be spared further cooter sightings, TMZ is reporting that she has checked out again! Why, you ask? She didn’t like the place. It’s rehab, Britney, not Disneyland. And it’s not even like real rehab, it’s probably one of those celebrity rehabs that feature omelet-station brunch buffets and lenient out-patient policies. I guess that rock bottom was a little cushier than you thought, huh?

Tyra Banks is Her Own Role Model

So let me get this straight (like Kenny Chesney ). Tyra Banks is celebrating herself for Black History Month? Seriously? I mean, I get that being the first Black person on the cover of Sports Illustrated might be a big deal in some circles, but it’s not like she’s digging an Underground Railroad, or leading a march on Washington. How narcissistic do you have to be to credit yourself with emancipating an entire race of people? Come on Tyra, don’t make me take back all the nice things I said about you a few weeks ago.

Why Does Everyone Think I’m Gay? And Where’s My Appletini?

In an announcement sure to rock the very foundations of convenient celebrity marriages that last less than six months, Kenny Chesney has come out of the closet. The straight closet, that is. He will appear on 60 Minutes this weekend to dredge up a two-year-old rumor, and then bitch about how the rumor has dogged him. I don’t know about you guys, but I forgot Kenny Chesney exsisted, gay or straight. If this is what he has to do to drum up publicity for his tour this summer, I think it’s safe to say that rest of the world has similarly forgotten.

Also, just a quick side note to actors/singer/celebrities that are fighting similar gay rumors: If you don’t want people to think you’re gay, fire your stylist. Throw away the skinny jeans, quit plucking your eyebrows and Mystic Tanning your abs. Show up to a few events looking like you just rolled out of bed, and people will stop assuming you sleep with men. Also, don’t pick up any more trannies on Santa Monica Blvd. Word travels fast, especially in WeHo.

Who’s Laughing Now, Googe?

Long time readers know that I have a bit of a beef with Google. Something about them being pinko communist bastards. Since it’s Valentine’s Day and the season for forgiveness, I was willing to look past our differences long enough to covet the chocolate-covered strawberry they incorporated into their logo in honor of Single Awareness Day.

But look a little closer. Do you notice anything? Neither did Google’s copywriters. Sorry, I mean, Googe’s copywriters. Yes, they left out the “l.” Unless that is an intentional attempt at hipping up their corporate brand by giving themselves a cute little one syllable nickname (doubtful), I think I have free reign to mock them for the rest of the day. Or maybe the rest of my life. We’ll see.